I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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