i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
