I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
