her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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