Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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