I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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