I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
