She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
