I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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