At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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