census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
