ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
