She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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