Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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