wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
