I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
