My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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