I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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