He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
