You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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