Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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