omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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