My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
