how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
