I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
