I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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