dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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