By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
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