the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
