She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
