Betty ford says i'm here all night
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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