So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
