you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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