I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
