If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
