Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
