They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
