What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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