you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
