i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
