please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It's official drugs can't kill me
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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