i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
