I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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