Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
