its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
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She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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