Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
