I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize