The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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