I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
