I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
