When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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