"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
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Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
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smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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