Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
