I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
soo... how was my night?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
