I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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