Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
