you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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