mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
