Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
