I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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