am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
