bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
