I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Drunk is a universal language darling
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
